Guard under fire.

In the eleven years I have been a guard, two things still amaze me, the first is the ability of the railway and its associated family to have you in fits of laughter, tears of sadness, groaning in disbelief and filled with pride and satisfaction, often all at the same time, and the second is that despite the length of time in the job and number of turns I've done, and despite the fact that others think you have seen it all, what you very quickly come to realise is that people still have the ability to hurl things your way that make you think "I wasn't trained for this."
As I swing my car onto the car park at Kidderminster, there is a bus load of school kids dressed as evacuees out the front of the station, in front of me is a rake of LMS coaches and a rake of GWR ones, and yet behind me are some very up to date motor cars, leading me to conclude that either the Time-space continuum is very wonky or its 40s week on the SVR once more.
I walk up the path to the station, with my mascot, Idris the dragon peering out of my bag, to be greeted by Tom, the fireman from last year, standing with Dawn, his girlfriend, on the station forecourt. I was a little surprised as he was the booked fireman on the first train today, and there was no sign of his loco. I knew that John, his driver for the week, as per last year, had cried off sick with an inured knee, but I was still expecting to see Tom on the loco.
"Where's your loco mate?" I said.
"Dunno," He replied.
"You not on it today?"
"Had an appointment," he replied.
They had had some good news, not for me to broadcast here, but I am sure you can imagine what the news was.
So after breakfast, I signed out a set of bangers, and went to check the set over, 7 Great Western coaches (well 6 and a BR standard) turning the scales at 223 tons, rather surprisingly paired up with an ex-GWR loco, 7812, Erlstoke Manor.
This morning, I had driver Andy sweet and fireman Ryan Green, with me being joined on the train by Pete Allen and Ian Powick, I knew it would be a good day with Pete, and the banter would be good with him being a Brummie and me a Wulfrunian.
We got the kids on the train and got away on time, no mean feat as getting the kids onto the far end of the train can prove a time consuming exercise.
In fact, we were on time all the way to Bridgnorth, however, it wasn't to stay that way.
We left Bridgnorth with the up train, and owing to two 5 mph tsr's at Sterns and Cleobury road, I was surprised to see that not only were we in first, but there was no sign of the down train.
"Where is he?" I asked the signalman.
"Only just left Arley," he replied, "Having steaming problems apparently, can you have steaming problems?"
"Not on the twenty-eight," I replied.
"I thought you'd say that."
We left Hampton 17 minutes adrift, and slipped further back on our way to Arley.
Andy and I had agreed we would run the loco out of the platform and under the bridge, to put the rear coaches, where the kids were sat, on the platform, and make it easier to get the kids on.
As we left Arley, and trundled down towards Victoria bridge, Pete wandered up to the van.
"You'll never believe this," he said.
"What's up mate?" I said.
"There's a teacher who has crammed 16 kids into a compartment back there."
"That's a bit much," I said, a tad surprised.
"I know," he replied, "I've told them there is plenty of room further up but the teacher said she didn't want them sleeping here or on the coach, as they want them to be nice and bright to meet the parents."
"What?"
"I know," Pete continued, "There's two teachers stood up between them, and one more wedged in the doorway."
"We need to get them moved," I said, "If we pull up quickly someone will get hurt." Pete dutifully went back and got them to spread out a bit.
We deposited the kids at Kidderminster and set off on the second trip. Despite still being a little late, was looking like an event free trip, until just after we left Arley, My friend Lawrence and his girlfriend Harri wandered back to the van.
"We've just heard a loud bang," said Lawrence, "And part of the coach has fallen into the corridor."
I wondered up to take a look. Someone had clearly been messing with the cover to the relay cupboard, and not put it back properly, eventually it had worked free and fallen to the floor, hence the bang.
Amazingly, the run home was event free, and we rolled into Kidder bang on time.
Both Tuesday and July dawned bright and sunny, however the day was quickly to loose some of its gloss, as I was to receive news of the death from cancer of an ex-BR fireman who I had come to know through a fellow member of both the SVR and Natpres.
We had the same crew but this time loco 43106, the flying pig, and got to Bridgnorth without too much drama, and I was sat in the canteen, when Andy walked in, and told me that he had a slight concern over Hay Bridge.
Hay Bridge, if you don't know, is one of the bridges that regularly gets biffed by passing wagons, and I did reply that another driver had commented that it didn't look right a couple of weeks previous. As a result of this, we left Bridgnorth, dead on time, and spent 20 minutes or so inspecting the bridge, before taking the train across. When we got to Arley to pick up the kids, I was asked what the excuse was this time, and told that at least it was better than leaves on the line!
One of my TTI's went home after the first trip, leaving myself and the very capable Bob Vincent to do the second trip ourselves. Things were going well, other than the seemingly obligatory delay until we arrived at Hampton Loade on the way home. We had been stationary for a couple of minutes or so, when I looked round, having been looking at the down starting signal, in order to gain an idea where the down train was, to see the buffet car, which was off the platform, with her centre door open, a gentleman stood down on the lineside helping his lady friend out of the train.
It was too late to stop them getting out, but something had to be said.
"You really shouldn't get out there," I said, "Its an awfully long way down there, if you fall you'll break something."
"Very sorry," said the girl in an eastern European accent, "We decided to get off here and walk the last bit to Highley instead, and we were worried the train might go."
"Well please don't do it again," I replied, "If you fall, you won't be walking anywhere."
Following that we discussed routes to Highley, and I gave them some directions towards the river towpath.
"You handled that very diplomatically" commented a passenger from the compartment behind the van.
Those of you that know me, will know that diplomacy is not my strong point so this was an amazing event in its own right.
Arriving at Arley, The passengers in the compartment behind me mentioned that their 91 year old grandmother was feeling unwell. I had a hunch it was heat so they obtained a bottle of water from the buffet car, and I refused to leave until I was sure she was starting to feel better, there is nothing worse either for the staff or the affected party, than an ill passenger in section, it is always easier to get an ambulance to a station.
Once I was happy, we moved, and having checked again at Bewdley, we set sail for Kidderminster. As we left Bewdley I looked across at the loco shed to see 7812 festooned with placards clearly aimed at our driver, saying "Go Sweety," "We love you Sweety," and "Come on Andy."
Wednesday and once again I had Andy and Ryan, and they were back on the Manor. The day its self had the feel of being one of those days all over it.
The school party were slow getting on, delaying us at Kidder, then we had a large party of wheelchairs at Bewdley, whilst the only wheel chair accommodation I had was the van.
As we got ready to leave Bewdley, I got the first gem of a quote from a passenger for the week. The passenger came out of the booking office and started to walk up the platform looking through the windows to see where there may be some seats.
"We are a little bit late," I said, "So if I were you I should hop on through the nearest door and walk up the train to find a seat."
"Ok," said the lady, then pointing at the door next to her, "Is this the nearest door?"
I was frankly stunned, torn between being genuinely helpful, and coming out with a barrage of sarcasm, I opted for helpful, but it was a close run thing.
Arriving at Hampton Loade, the next twist to the day was delivered, there had been some tractors working near Little Rock cutting, and using the crossing there, by all accounts, the drivers of the tractors, being used to being the biggest thing on the local roads and being able to dictate to car drivers what to do, had clearly taken the same approach to the trains, and were using the crossing in a pretty indiscriminate manner.
As we approached the crossing, I heard Andy give a long blast on the whistle, I looked out, and I could see a tractor pulling away from the crossing, and can only assume it was rather closer than Andy would have liked, and by the time the van reached the crossing the tractor driver was gesturing at us furiously. I did wonder if he was going to clip my rear buffers he was so keen to charge across as soon as we had passed.
Arriving back at Arley and picking the kids up again, I was asked what the excuse was this time, I simply replied "I don't know what you mean, this is the earliest I have been late this week."
Once again, our second down trip was free of drama, but the last up trip gave us the slap in the face it had been doing all week.
It was noticeable almost as soon as we left Highley, that even by Andy's standards, the loco was being driven very gently, and on arrival at Arley it soon became apparent that he was having issues with the lubricator, and while I didn't venture forward to ask, from the bottle of oil, I guess it had run dry.
Leaving Bewdley, I had my second Passenger leaving the train in an irregular fashion, of the week, as, no sooner had we started to move a passenger threw a door open, stepped off the train, and with the train still moving, walked off leaving the door open.
A final twist in the evening whilst enjoying a pint in the King and Castle, was to look up and see a London Routemaster swing onto the forecourt. As there is regularly a night out for the actors on the Wednesday of this week, I assumed this was the transport, and wondered outside. Not only did it turn out it wasn't but had been transporting kids to Stourport High School's prom night, and had just called in for a lemonade and toilet call, but it took me a second or two to realise that the conductor, who was stood in the roadway seeing his mate back, was none other than my mate, and the Chasewater railway's own Liam Wesson! He was nearly as surprised to see me as I was to see him, and with the bus parked opposite the "Underground" sign that had been erected over the booking hall entrance, a photo was too good an opportunity to miss.
Thursday, and we had not only a change of loco, but also crew, with Bob Drew at the controls of 34053 Sir Keith Park, with his mate on the other side, a cheeky young passed cleaner in the shape of Lawrence Mortimer, joined on the footplate by his girlfriend, Harri, regular readers may remember Lawrence and Harri getting stuck on the train last year, having fallen asleep and missed their stop, although they promised to stay awake this time. My two TTIs were a contrasting pair too, the Experienced Brian Judson, and on her first turn after qualifying Judith Crompton.
On the whole of the first round trip, the only highlight was an actor leaving her coach on the train. I took the opportunity of the relative quiet to take a few photos of Idris posed in various positions, including drinking a can of pop, and with his head in my paraffin lamp, lighting it, dragon style, however, arriving at Bewdley, we found the train the other way was delayed for no apparent reason. The reason became apparent at Kidderminster, as one of the station staff revealed to me that the delay was owing to a passenger getting stuck in the toilet on the train in front. Quick as a flash I replied that it was a S**t excuse.
Friday, and we again had Bob and Lawrence this time back on the Manor, with my TTI's being Phil Mitchell and Brian Southam. With the dragon posed staring out of the van window, there was a sign affixed above his head saying "Shwt mea, Idris ydw y, Hello, my name is Idris" we were ready to face the world.
It was to turn out to be a day to test the patience of a saint, and as I am neither a patient man, nor a saint, it was a wonder I kept my cool, however, despite the challenges, it did produce the type of run I have a reputation for.
As I was tidying up the van, the phone went off. I normally don't answer it, but I saw it was the ops manager.
"Hello Phil," I said.
"Hello mate," he replied, "Thought you'd like to know, you might be held at Bewdley, SKP has slipped to a stand on Highley bank."
"Ok Phil," I said, "I won't worry too much about getting the kids on in a hurry."
Of course, having taken the pressure off, and informed the education people that there was no rush, and why, the kids were on early!
I had noticed on my arrival that SKP had got 9 coaches, and this causes operational issues, as they were LM coaches they were shorter than mine, but with a big loco it was still unlikely she'd fit the loop at Hampton Loade, and while still lighter than 8 BR standards, there was the drag of the extra 8 sets of bearings to consider, so I had anticipated trouble.
With three service trains, a special and a footplate experience out, we were going to cross trains everywhere, and as a knock on effect of the dramas on Highley bank, we dropped time all the way to Arley, by which point we were 20 minutes late.
We rolled into Highley, and with a touch of luck, we got away again in less than a minute, however at Hampton Loade, the 9 coach train came back to bite us again. The signalman insisted on having the 9 coach train in first, with the result that his rear end was foul when we rolled in, and so delaying me further, he did get a few stern words on this.
The service slowly slipped later and later, but it was the last up trip that was a classic. We were held at Bridgnorth until the down train left Arley, this meant we wouldn't sit at Hampton for ages. We were 30 late but both me and Bob were up for it, we knew we couldn't get back on time, but we were going to go all out to get things back as best we could.
We rolled up to Hampton Loade's up home just as it came off, suggesting that the down had just arrived. We rolled in, and I shouted to the guard on the down train to tell the signalman I was complete and clear. Less than a minute after we stopped we were off again, 27 down.
There was no one to stop us at country park, and we rolled into Highley, and with just a few passengers to get on, we were moving again in 30 seconds time, 25 down.
Arley was the same, and once more we had no one to stop us at Northwood. We had a passenger who had a connection to make with a mainline train at Kidder, normally he would have had loads of time but we were so late it would be tight, so I had my eye on the clock.
We ran into Bewdley, and I pulled one of those station stops out of the bag that you can only do if are on top form, the driver is alert and you are lucky, we stopped smartly, but on a rising vacuum, Brian and Phil both gave me an OK to say there was no one to get off, and less than 15 seconds after we stopped the wheels were turning again, made all the more incredible by the fact that when we arrived we didn't have the road, as we were crossing the light engine off the special, which appeared at South Box as we arrived from the north end. Following a spirited run home we arrived at Kidderminster 19 minutes late, and under normal circumstances this would be the end of the week, however, this time, I had one more day to go.
So, Saturday, and I had to drive up to Bridgnorth, today I had Driver Andy Williams on 257, with a rake of BR standards, and TTI Mike Draper (Not the Ex General manager of the same name). It was 40s weekend and everyone was in 1940s gear, often the effect is spoiled as soon as you look over the fence, however, as we rolled into Bewdley, I looked over the side of Wribbenhall viaduct, and there were people in 40s gear playing with a dog over someone's back gate, and others around by the pub, a nice little aside to the railway's event.
Running back to Bridgnorth, we picked up the first unusual load of the day, the Wailing Wall Building Co and a pile of bricks.
At Hampton Loade, while we waited for a train the other way, I looked round to see a passenger, leaning out of the window, smoking.
"I'm sorry sir," I said, "It's no smoking on the train."
"I thought it was the 1940s" he replied.
"Still no smoking sir," I replied.
"I didn't know," he replied.
"It does say no smoking on the windows," I said.
"I didn't see it," I replied.
"It's no smoking on all public transport in this country," I replied.
In the thickest Lancashire accent I have heard for a while, he replied, "Well I don't live in this country"
"You are in this country now sir and it is against the Law now please put the cigarette out," I replied.
"I can't put it out," he said, pointing at the wooden decking at the end of the platform, "You don't want me to set that on fire do you?"
"You didn't have to light the cigarette in the first place," I replied finally at the end of my patience, "If you want to smoke that you'll have to leave the train."
Finally the lighted cigarette was thrown in temper onto the timber deck.
On our next up trip, some confusion set in at Arley, one set from each end had to swap crews to get everyone back to the right end of the line at the end of the day. Unfortunately, one TTI had got totally the wrong end of the stick, and had got off the train that he was meant to be on, to join mine, which would have left him at the wrong and of the line, and missed both trains!
We rolled into Kidder late, and then the fun really started.
"Will we be leaving late?" asked the buffet steward.
"It depends on if he needs water," I replied.
"Oh I'm sure he will," came the reply.
"Don't bank on it," I replied.
Sure enough, Andy whipped the loco round in double quick time without stopping for water, and we were off with just a two minute deficit.
On arrival at Bewdley, we picked up Jed Bennett and Kyle Daisley, who were the TTIs for the evening train, but they elected to give Mike a hand, I am not sure if they regretted this or enjoyed it, but it was about to get lively.
We rolled into Arley and Kyle asked where the Buffet staff were.
"You know, I'm not sure," I said, "Can't say I've seen him since Kidder."
We secured the buffet as well as we could, and returned to the brake only to be asked to load a canoe onto the train! Finally we picked up a bunch of fairly tipsy lads.
We set sail once more, and when we got to Hampton, we were re-united with out buffet staff, who had been brought up by road. Unbeknown to me, Kyle was having some fun with the drunken lads, one of whom had decided to drop his trousers and flash the passengers on the up train. He handled it superbly, calming the drunks down, soothing the tempers of other passengers, and more crucially, encouraging our stripper to get back into his clothes.
As we finally approached Bridgnorth he approached me to check that he had done the right thing.
"What would you have said?" asked Kyle, taking a swig of his can of coke.
I waited until the right moment before replying with the rudest, most vulgar and least appropriate comment I could think of, none of which is printable here, but I had timed it to perfection, two jets of cola streamed from Kyle's nostrils, the poor lad nearly choked and doubled up with laughter! Certainly one thing we all need is a sense of humour.
So if you fancy a crack at emulating our adventures, we are always crying out for Guards, Porters, Buffet staff or people to become loco cleaners and start the long road to being a driver, why not ring Barry Moreton in the Volunteer liaison office on 01299 401776, or if the SVR is too far, maybe your own local line, as we all need help, or perhaps just pop along, and ride as a passenger, enjoy the railway and keep the cash coming in to keep it all alive, but most importantly, have fun folks.
Olly

 

Do you do lessons in customer care, I might need some tips.

 

No Dave, just comedy and sarcasm mate! lol

 

Can I say olly well done for standing up to the fagash. These people get on my nervous with their cancerous habit, think everybody else likes it, really grates me. Well done!

 

Cheers JBT, it was just one highlight in a very interesting week

 

Did make me laugh when he tried to claim not to be from Britain though

 

Nice one, Ian. I trust you have been getting some exercise prior to our couple of days on the footplate in August?

 

Yeah running round after my passengers.

 

I hope the mods don't mind my shameless plug at the end to beg for new recruits, I should have added, if the SVR is to far, why not give your local line a go.

 

Talking to the Wailing Wall Building Co can harm your mental health. I know, I work with them.

Patrick

 

Now I've seen your post Patrick! lol

 

Exhibit A via Facebook https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=346956392119980&set=gm.10152297563096989&type=1&theater
Patrick

 

Why Wailing Wall or is the reason lost in the mists of time

Dave

 

Reminds me of a tale when a guard, fed up with people chucking litter in the fire bucket in the Gresley van, and put a label on it reading "Not a litter bin." Cue the arrival of one or two lads of Bewdley loco who saw this and proceeded to label other things as to what they weren't. "This is not a television set" on the fire extinguisher and "This is not a helicopter" on the emergency ladder were two highlights.

 

Do I need to follow suit with things like, "This is a shovel," "This black stuff is coal,?" etc.

 

no, you need to label what it isn't!

 

Always enjoy reading your posts like this Olly, please keep them coming.

 

thankyou David, one day I will put them all together into a book

 

"The Hollis Diaries."

Patrick. Youve been painting thise fence pailings for too long. The fumes are affecting you.